What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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