The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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