At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
