Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
We talked him into tasing himself.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
