Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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