That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
