so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My ass is underappreciated
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
