New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Randomize
