Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
