I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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