In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
