I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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