so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
too bad you live with your parents still
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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