good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
