1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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