Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
