the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize