Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
