Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
