i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
