i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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