Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
