After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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