I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
