I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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