Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
