I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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