Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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