I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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