It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
