It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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