I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
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