he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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