I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
