I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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