These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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