He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
