Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
