We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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