happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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