Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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