I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Randomize
