I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
