i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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