i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
