how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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