Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Little spoons don't ask big questions
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
