Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
