He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize