but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
