I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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