I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
