we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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