some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
