If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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