Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
