Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
