I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
