went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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