nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Drunk walkin through police station. America
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
