did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
